Full warning: most of you will get pissed off. I was furious myself, let's call it even. I will meditate, sleep for the first time in fifty hours, and wake up sending you and everyone, love and compassion. But for now...Let's dive in!
This rant (no one will hear) was conceived in a joke between me and a few friends. One said: "Get a huge fake mole and put it on your face." Another: "Buy a fat suit" or "take all your pictures off the net so no one can see you." I got infuriated! Why should I have to shrivel and hide MYSELF so no one is "mislead" or assumes I'm seeking superficial fame? IT'S THE OPPOSITE. I seek truth and possible recognition IF my craft is good enough. No handouts, no easy tickets. I wouldn't value that anyway because I KNOW on principle my looks shouldn't matter.
Is it my job to shrink and change how I look so other people do not have to OWN their own narrow minds? NO. I won't. I refuse. I've done it too long. I have friends of all shapes and sizes. Always had. I don't discriminate on any factors beyond a person being mean, unhealthy for me or too negative. That's it. Even now feeling more alienated than I ever have, I don't assume or judge anyone's choices if I don't know them. Call me weird...
I call it human compassion.
STOP HERE if you are already uncomfortable, infuriated, or think you have the slightest clue where this is going. Seriously, take the mouse to the little "x" or red circle and go. It only gets worse. We all know a "Pretty girl" can't say anything too insightful, jeez. Plus: Its REALLY long, and no pretty girl wants to read that many words in one sitting.
First,
I'm going balls out, no bullshit. Things most of us know to be "true":
- Sex sells.
- People use stereotypes every day.
- A pretty, or sexually attractive woman has it easier.
- Most people in my town, state, or even country will knee-jerk judge from a puritanical and repressed inner narrative, and STILL claim to believe in some level of gender equality and/or civil fairness.
Secondly,
I have no problem (obviously) being transparent and honest, so in full disclosure:
- I, too, make assumptions that would offend. To name a couple: When I'm in NYC and people of Asian-looking decent are walking on the sidewalk, I quickly dart around them because I don't enjoy walking at a snail's pace. I also assume the hispanic landscaper/residential manual laborer will be cheaper and work harder than some other nationalities.
- I fully admit that I have capitalized on my physical traits and it has INDEED afforded me open doors, unearned respect, and privileges over other women.
- I have made mistakes, I have committed adultery, and I have lied.
- I blow my hair out and iron it straight, I wear little makeup but false eyelashes whenever I can.
- I believe that my interest in feeling pretty, fit and feminine does NOT negate my right to be intelligent, grounded, kind, and able to have human connections above a self-serving, surface or somehow sexually-focused agenda.
Thirdly,
I am not looking for pity or a brouhaha rally behind me. I am not trying to evoke praise or apology, I am not here to scream "injustice" or carry a feministic flag. I am not supporting or even remotely denying attractive women have entire industries positioned to exploit and applaud sexuality and beauty (Hugh Hefner, porn, modeling, shit even Fox News and ESPN have seen our culture`s statistical reports that people like looking at prettier people.)
My point is this:
Am I pretty? Yes. Should I apologize? No. Did I DO anything to be born this way? Not a damn thing! I get it. I can take my pretty mouth and shut it. Right? WRONG. That's the fundamental difference I have with most HONEST people. My respect and acceptance of PEOPLE is as-is. So why can I not be "smart" or "without scandalous motives"? Im not even asking for change. I am merely saying to no one in particular, that I'm in full rebellion! ( echo, echo, echo in the empty room)
I guess I would love if maybe ONE person reads this, and after some time, considers that pre-conceived assumptions are useless and CAN be wrong. The only assumption I make is that I know NOTHING ABOUT a stranger, and people have surprised me time and time again. How? Because I DID NOT pre-judge them based on any outside appearance, but instead considered that I have not the slightest idea about who they are inside. (good or bad.)
The general assumption is that I have it "easy" and by being attractive I have manipulated my way to, for and in every opportunity possible. I'm used to it. I have adjusted to it by disarming people with self-deprecating humor, or hiding behind a bun, glasses, and Ann Taylor suits purchased a size too big. ( My father being the one who suggested all three for meetings and interviews).I am simply disillusioned, disappointed and discouraged. More specifically, I am angry. I am also fully aware that no one may care. I am nobody to most. It's sad that in MY life, in 2015, nearly a hundred years after suffragettes boldly fought to be heard and seen for their minds, souls, inarguable existence and human rights, I am none the less, questioning if anyone really lives openly with heart, compassion and fairness?
The term: " I am woman, hear me roar" is so widely misused as a platform to puff-chest and say: "I don't need a man." or even diminish their worth. The song, from 1971, was about empowerment by INCLUSION. I love men. I have effeminate straight male friends, gay "butchy" friends, outright Alpha-Male friends, I enjoy men's conversation and most are good at disagreement, and I have always appreciated straight-shooting and deep talk above gossip, bashing others and farcical small talk.
In fact, I bow with a full heart of gratitude as an American woman, that I can vote, work, drive, speak freely, not wear a bra, nurse in public, garner wages far closer to a man now than ever before, and demand several equal rights to my male counterpart. It is not lost on me. I recognize and fully understand my ability to be who I am is because women far braver than I pioneered and paved a grueling, once unthinkable path. A path often trampled through with sex tapes, vulgarity, obnoxious entitlement and inane celebrity caricatures of which masses of WOMEN loyally follow, watch and idealize.
Let me ask you a question? I see a hypothetical woman who is a little over five feet tall. Her hair in unkept and frizzy, her hips triple the size of mine. She wears loose clothes and her face in a constant, speculative scowl. Am I too assume she is wiser, smarter, more experienced, down-to-earth, with better character and kinder than I am?
My answer: "FU&K No! I don't know her! We've never had a conversation, nor have I asked her about her thoughts, feelings and ideas. I have NO IDEA What/Who she is."
I'll ask a different question: " If a slim, attractive, pretty-faced woman wearing a well-fitted dress walked into a huge auditorium of other women who signed up to hear executives speak on female empowerment, how would MOST of the audience first react? What would they assume if she wore well-done makeup? What is her presumed motive if she laughs when someone (man or female) makes a joke? Is she an imposter? Can someone so vain possibly be intellectual and genuine? Is there any possible way she has clawed through some life circumstances we aren't privy too? Do you think she was met with supportive women on her climb to success, or with skepticism and mis-trust?
Conversely, if a woman does not wear makeup, bucks the surface-only societal and media confirmations that beauty is important, that skinny is celebrated, and that it's all some empty silly goal, do those beliefs ALONE make HER better? Wiser? More evolved? Is there zero chance she herself, is repressed or full of bitterness, not benelovence?
Personally,
Anyone who knows me very well, especially men I've dated, always look at my past and scratch their heads. I don't have a type. I've dated a hacky-sack hippie, a balding old man, a model, an IT nerd, a jobless guy, a spinal chord injury-surviver secure in his wheelchair, an internationally famous tycoon, and a corn-fed jock. The only common factor was that they stimulated me intellectually at the time. They were funny, or in some way difficult to understand. More common is that I am drawn to JUXTAPOSITIONS. I admire and fall fast for a soul or a person that does NOT match their proverbial "book cover". Then you have me. Full speed ahead and eager to learn more.
If I am drawn to someone, or somehow they persist and penetrate my thick protective "Ice queen" or "Intimidating" demeanor (not my words, but descriptions used commonly) then I'm all in. I respect and listen to their soul, their thoughts, originality and truth. I care not, if it is a man or woman. I don't see skinny or rotund, be-freckled or warted. I care about ideas! I care about WHO they are! I care about kind hearts! I care about how they react in tough times! What they stand up for on principle!
I fear but hope, that I am not as alone as my last few weeks and months have shown. I am begging the universe to present other people who look deeper than one's skin, and further than their learned pre-conceptions. And it would indeed be kind of you, big of you, compassionate of you NOT to make an assumption either way when you first see or meet a fellow human. Pretty or not.
What if I were to light a cigarette that I shouldn't be smoking, and the flame were to catch fire to a fake eyelash I shouldn't be wearing, and my face burnt to disfigurement. Would my soul be any different? Are my fundamental thoughts and ideas gone? Just curious. Would I still just be a preying woman on every man I meet?
For now, I suppose I'll have to accept that every man I talk to in public or in any form, no matter how clear I am about my new-found strict rules about transparency and non-complication, will assume I have a hidden agenda.
I also realize that no matter how many times I pre-warn, and over-clarify, that my bawdy, overly self-effacing nature is going to be misconstrued as "intimacy." I refuse however, to change my appearance, shrink my sexuality as a woman to shine intellectually. I refuse to defend myself non-stop before ANYTHING has transpired.
I can save you the suspense and stress: I am NOT interested in anything complicating my life, or yours. Been there, done that. Almost didn't survive.
Until then, I am surprisingly overfilled with gratefulness and a calm contentment that compassion and love given and received in truth is still the answer. I will keep open and keep believing there are people who will listen and look for a person`s inner soul, not their outer shell. I'll be here.
Maybe a lion's "roar" isn't necessary for this kind of thing. I understand. Maybe its a call to fairness, humanity and a little bit of benefit BEFORE doubt. Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey, Heidi Klum, Ellen Degenerous, Whoopi Goldberg, Joyce Carol Oates, Joan Didion, Nina Simone, Anais Nin, Amelia Earhart, Eleanor Roosevelt, Megan McCarthy, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler...and countless other women who had to CLAW their way through a door, because they weren't "pretty enough" or "smart enough" and had to PROVE their worth until somebody saw past their birth-given right to care about how they looked OR NOT. These women are merely a few of the recognizable ones!
LOOK HERE for Esquire Magazine's list of the 75 Greatest Women in History. I don't agree with ALL, and so many are not included, but that means it must have been hard to narrow it down to seventy five!
#BeFairRoar2.0
I fear but hope, that I am not as alone as my last few weeks and months have shown. I am begging the universe to present other people who look deeper than one's skin, and further than their learned pre-conceptions. And it would indeed be kind of you, big of you, compassionate of you NOT to make an assumption either way when you first see or meet a fellow human. Pretty or not.
What if I were to light a cigarette that I shouldn't be smoking, and the flame were to catch fire to a fake eyelash I shouldn't be wearing, and my face burnt to disfigurement. Would my soul be any different? Are my fundamental thoughts and ideas gone? Just curious. Would I still just be a preying woman on every man I meet?
For now, I suppose I'll have to accept that every man I talk to in public or in any form, no matter how clear I am about my new-found strict rules about transparency and non-complication, will assume I have a hidden agenda.
I also realize that no matter how many times I pre-warn, and over-clarify, that my bawdy, overly self-effacing nature is going to be misconstrued as "intimacy." I refuse however, to change my appearance, shrink my sexuality as a woman to shine intellectually. I refuse to defend myself non-stop before ANYTHING has transpired.
I can save you the suspense and stress: I am NOT interested in anything complicating my life, or yours. Been there, done that. Almost didn't survive.
Maybe a lion's "roar" isn't necessary for this kind of thing. I understand. Maybe its a call to fairness, humanity and a little bit of benefit BEFORE doubt. Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey, Heidi Klum, Ellen Degenerous, Whoopi Goldberg, Joyce Carol Oates, Joan Didion, Nina Simone, Anais Nin, Amelia Earhart, Eleanor Roosevelt, Megan McCarthy, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler...and countless other women who had to CLAW their way through a door, because they weren't "pretty enough" or "smart enough" and had to PROVE their worth until somebody saw past their birth-given right to care about how they looked OR NOT. These women are merely a few of the recognizable ones!
LOOK HERE for Esquire Magazine's list of the 75 Greatest Women in History. I don't agree with ALL, and so many are not included, but that means it must have been hard to narrow it down to seventy five!
#BeFairRoar2.0
Try it. Or don't. Your soul. Your call.
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