Rise up: Single is my new Strong Suit

I'm not one for sugar-coating anything. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I am thirty-nine years old and maybe for the very first time in nearly four decades....I am truly single. Alone, no phone numbers, no back-up, no anyone.

Me Shooting Long bow to RISE UP

I spent the better part of a week in a sloppy, sad pity party for myself and then I sat up and realized that everything is just beginning if I so choose it to be.

Relationships are hard. My Divorce feels like a big red "F" on my life's report card. My heart recently got broken (again.) and I find myself less angry or confused or blaming; but single-focused.

Instead of running through the laundry list of my faults or possible reasons things don't work out in my relationships I am turning into myself-Full introspection.

Full acceptance.

I've gained and lost weight and beat myself up about it. I have had mood swings that could make a typhoon peel back. I have made mistakes, earned some karma and I'm still standing. It is easier to point a finger or blame old partners for "this" and "that" but I'm too old now and I know better. Whatever happened, happened because I either allowed it, caused it, or attracted some low vibrational energy that I ( I repeat) that I was putting out into the relationship. So here I am. Sweet.

I'm not looking for a "hoo-rah." I don't want pity or pats on the back in some thin-solidarity singledom-pep rally. I think I'm sharing this post and video because the bottom line is when life kicks you in the guts the point is that we have the choice.

We have the choice to see ourselves as able and worthy; NOT entitled. We have the choice to NOT hold on to anger or past mistakes, but instead, to look to the future with the seasoned eyes of a human who has hurt and healed (or is still healing..) and had to claw back from a dark, vapid, easy-to-fall-into-place.

If only one man or woman reads this, watches my silly video of my empowering hobby of archery and thinks to themselves: "I can rise up." or " It gets a little better day by day." Then that is worth everything to me. I am alone. I have one family member miles away and three beautiful kids to raise but in times like these I am alone. The thing I choose right now is to trust myself.

The best gift, I think anyway, that we can give ourselves is the truth and the trust we deserve about who we are, who we've been and most importantly, who we want to be.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy. I want to be better than I was yesterday, last week, last year. Maybe I'm knocking on forty's door...and I'm carrying some strings and baggage but I choose to be a better decision-maker, life-liver and love-giver, today, right now....
fully single and nose-deep in my strong suit.

So whatever you might be facing today. Whatever ugly doubt is trying to convince you that you can't do it...RISE up. RISE UP a little, a lot, for a minute, for a year...just keep RISING until you don't ever question your God-given right to do so.

I love you, I love me, I love throwing fast arrows with a bow, I even love some of my "extra padding" that my ex-boyfriend hated, so love yourself, love each other. Love.
~~~~~
"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

A Manifesto for the "Gypsy-Souled" Woman. ( Even the one's who are just a little too scared to admit it.)

Cliches exist for a reason, right? They describe something concisely. I'm admit I must seem to be a bit of a cliche right now, but I laugh because I've never felt more ME. The cliche I fit into is "Divorcee-mid-life-crisis" something or other. Yes, I am getting divorced. Yes, I'm a bit of introvert lately. I don't think it is that strange given the deconstruction of one's life and the immediate need to heal, especially after (and still present) persecution and alienation.

I also have stopped handing out the F*&KS I give. I care about my kids and their well-being as well as people I love in my small, but tight, circle. I've been writing like crazy. Two weeks ago, when the words wouldn't come easily, I started to paint. First watercolor, then acrylic, now I'm obsessed with oil on canvas, and mixed media. I hate rules. I can use wax, jewelry, stones, crystals, quotes I've written and much more. It feels just like life: real things stuck in a medium to live on in a new sense.

People can laugh or pass judgments or try to predict my next move or whatever is fun to talk about, but I think I've just stopped carrying the weight of what I thought I should be, and I just am.
 In a sense, I laugh too, more about how I was trying so hard and it took this long. I've always had this "Weird" or "Mysterious" range of me:

~ I never wear socks or shoes...even in Chicago winter (in the house).
~I used to never wear jewelry, ever.
~I sing, dance, embarrass people with disarming truth on purpose, for sport.
~Historically I have had no filter for what comes out of my mouth.
~I have and always have had, a strange yearning to either pull someone out from their own head, darkness, sadness, or help fix whatever appeared to be hurting them.
~I fashioned myself a mender; a listener and a levity bringer and to every type of person imaginable.
~I can't remember a time I wasn't highly sensitive or wasn't told I "feel too much." or "love too big."
~I most certainly am always battling something I can't explain pulling me to run away, wander and leave it all behind and the grounding beauty in the routines and little brood I've created.  I allow the feeling instead of deny it. It's sanity in my book. I'm scared of people who never think of turning around, heel-stepping into a run and disappearing at least once or twice in life.

BUT...The paradox is that I could also be conniving, lost, restless, manipulative and retreat from people at the first sign of mistrust. I belly danced as a child. (while balancing swords.) I danced to songs in my own head. I am enthralled by debate and negotiations. I have an affinity for magic in the most non-classical sense. I think we all have a smidgen of a gypsy soul.
I'd happily be a gypsy, and I'm certain I probably was one in some other life, but I love nice things too much and my neurosis would cause me to have an app for every public bathroom on my travels.  Yep, another paradox.


I don't need things, but man there are some I really like. iPhones, incredible candles, luxury boutique hotels, for instance. I inhale and get tingles when I smell the starchy-soft smell of fresh cleaned and pressed hotel sheets. I don't like diamonds or wear expensive jewelry, but I adore bangles and energy bracelets and dangling earrings now. I am a complete snob with wine, seating for flights and books.

I absolutely love pretty things, long eyelashes, well kept hair and feminine figures of ALL sizes. (Mostly because my natural body shape is more like that of a twelve year old boy.)
I believe in magic and miracles and enjoy the comforts of nice experiences not labels or pretense.

People have misjudged me my whole life, for better or worse. No one has really figured it out. That makes sense! I am just now, finally letting myself try to form it. So here is to the women out there who (try to) live from heart and soul.

To the iconoclasts who still follow some rules:
To the hippies that buy five dollar coffee: 
To the soignée gypsy souls grounded in grace:

We exists, we are, and I'm not really worried in the least if someone thinks I don't quite fit into any one box or that I am a sellout or a cliche. I know these things to be a good start for me...and so it is my manifesto for living, even just a little, with the Gypsy-Soul singing out. 

~~~~~~~~~

"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

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Jane Green: New Insights an Old Interview and Two Summer Book Releases!

Over the years I have read nearly all of New York Bestselling author, Jane Green's sixteen books. The latest paperback "Saving Grace." is out June 9th! She also has a brand new summer treat releasing in hardback on June 23rd.  Links, and more on that below.

All of them made me laugh or cry or want to get down-right lascivious. She has a subtle way of unraveling a character to you; presenting them as if through one lens, only to shake up a story with life's mishaps and fortunes. I remember reading "Jeminia J" and realizing that I actually got butterflies vicariously anticipating the first meeting of the lead character and her crush. Her words conjured up the actual feelings of unrelenting desire.


Similarly, the stories often refold and unfold; changing the shape of the character's human condition. Almost as if she opens a fictional person to you like a reflection of water..a little distorted, and fluid in concept, but always with awareness of oneself. 

That isn't easy. It is almost so human that it requires incredible technical skill to allow for a reader to come to such realization through words on their own without being obvious. That's the magic.

After a phone interview with fellow bloggers from "Chicago Mom's Blog." with Jane Green from 2008, it became incredibly clear that she is candid, unapologetic, yet kind and unpretentious. When asked about "Jeminia J" she snickered that type of laugh that shrugs off the vulnerability to judgement and says:

"I was stuck in Santa Monica and absolutely miserable because I had just started this raging affair with somebody in New York who was from London..."

At the time, I didn't realize how rare and disarming she was. (is).  Hers, is a truly beautiful sense of humor. She is so self-effaced that her brilliance and prolific gift as a novelist feather away for a moment because it feels as if you're talking to a good friend, or one of your sister's cooler, wiser friends. The interview was in August of 08' and she had just released "The Beach House." Below is an excerpt from the original published post:

The idea of non-judgement is a good basis for the several unraveling story lines in "The Beach House." It is a story of several intrinsically valuable people stumbling through their own missteps. It's a story of "coming home" to yourself through interacting with others and being less reactionary. One of the main characters is a native Nantucketer in her sixties. Faced with some financial woes, she decides to rent her house out to vacationers.

All types of emotional relationships are navigated within the walls and property of this house. It almost feels Shakespearean. A mother and her teenage daughter, dealing with divorce, a commitment-phobe and his needy girlfriend, a husband and wife dealing with big secrets and one's aching need to live free of them.

Perhaps it was her articulate descriptions of the Nantucket mindset that allows for all these near-strangers to accept and learn about each other without judgement. I won't give too much away, but it feels like a cozy warm summer night where inhibitions, perceptions and need for approval almost dissipate into the condensation of the ocean. People learn themselves by their tying bond...being human and wanting to improve.

When I asked Jane to explain with whom she most identified in her characters she described her self as "softer than most of them." She went on to say:

"I think that’s probably motherhood. I think motherhood changed me in ways I could have never have anticipated. And one of those ways is no longer being afraid to show vulnerability. So I think there's a little bit of me in all of the characters."

It was quite fascinating to hear that she, being a mother, has to sequester herself at a library (never for more than four hours at a time) to truly "produce pages." It was inspiring to learn how she is able to turn everyday life circumstances into these intricate stories that move people.

She rented a house in Nantucket and ran with this book idea. She saw a woman on the beach and conjured up the multi-layered depth of "Nan." I could hear in her voice that she cherishes motherhood. But also the freedom of writing and letting go of the past. Her sense of peace was palpable in the interview.

 Overall, Jane Green seems incredibly fair and wisely accepting of people and life as it happens (which is usually quite unexpected and messy.) When asked what she thought of bloggers, Green was careful:

"But when you think you're being responsible, you're writing about something you believe in, you're editing it as you go along, you're checking that you haven’t written anything that could be perceived as inflammatory or contemptuous, and it still is. There's only so much you can do. I mean if you put yourself out there, you're going to get feedback and not all of it is going to be good."  

Note: The above quote was from August 7, 2008.             

 Visit Jane Green's site. A new title coming out on June 23 called "Summer Secrets" is sure to be captivating. In fact, sounds vaguely familiar to my broken, and transitioning life. A woman in her thirties discovers the father she never knew is living in Nantucket.

As Green is famous for, I predict the book will be rich with descriptions, relatable characters and that human fallibility that gives all of us permission to fail, get back up, and learn something beautiful from our mistakes or life's challenges.  I can't wait!

She is an amazing, multi-faceted and authentic woman. I couldn't appreciate her, and those qualities more than I do today. I might be a little in love with her now that I have three kids, am trying my arse of to finish this novel, and find myself discovering all that I thought I knew was rubbish. 

Part of learning how to be a decent novelist is being an avid reader. I learn so much from reading women like Jane Green. She has the she-balls, and the gumption to take risks, make characters complex and make us laugh while somehow tying the entire thing back to a positive message. She's lived. 

She's notably talented and one of my absolute favorites to read. Only recently has my knowledge of judgment, failed marriage, and being an aspiring writer (Read: slightly depressed/manic typer, self-critical, non-sleeping, multiple-Venti-coffee-drinking mother holed up in her office any chance she gets.) given me the kind of perspective I wish I had back in '08. We had her brain for an nearly an hour!!! UGH. 

Life is funny. You don't get everything you need when you need it most, but I'm grateful to be here now. Inspired by Jane. I've been told by publishers and writer-friends: "Read read read writers you LOVE and then write write write!" 

And so I do! 

"Misandry Misunderstood as Feminism in the 'Burbs is Going to Ruin Your Sons."

I need to first say that I AM NOT against feminism.

In fact, my first published poem was called "The Amorphous Hypocrisy of Being a Woman" in 2000. It, I believe, is still used in a Women's Studies course.

I love women, I believe in gender equality and a woman's right for equal pay as well as all kinds of other civil rights ideas, although I am a humanist. I think. I hate labels.

I bring this up now because I'm loving all the feministic dialogue, and the human dialogue about women and men. The  hashtag: #HowToSpotAFeminist dominated social media this week and that is an amazing thing.


Tiny Fey was hilarious last night stripping on David Letterman in Spanx making her points, as she does...with satire and smarts.

Some other interesting reads on the topic: Feminists Are Reclaiming the Sexist Hashtag ... and
"5 Reasons People Think Feminists Hate Men."

Ironically, this week I also witnessed a quiet unintentional (I hope) sociological mirco-happening that I don't think anyone is posting articles or speaking at forums for fairness about. I was watching two girls play at the kitchen table. Homework was done and they were on their separate computers playing MineCraft a game that rivals Atari-like graphics and focuses on building and creating worlds with cubic graphics and tools like stone, diamonds, glass...etc. 

Both girls are ignoring the boy who is present, and one year younger. I over hear a snicker and then the high-pitched squeal of him saying: "Thats not TRUE!?"  It was an exclamation that tailed off into a quiet inflection of question.

He is visibly upset and I step in to inquire. After much huffing, and actual finger pointing, I find out that the girls were saying that "Boys don't know anything. He's an idiot." and "Boys are dumb." and  the absolute gem:

"You think you're so important, you aren't. Girls are better, smarter and don't need you."I'll come back to that word..."need" and why it really troubles me.

He was fighting back tears, arms crossed with a lip-quiver saying: "Noooooooooooo?" and "That's not truuuuuuueeeee." His voice cracking as his mind raced to argue the point he is having trouble making because he's too busy pushing down human emotion.

This is where a few things become very clear to me:

1. This very smart, very kind girl sounds like a bitter and angry man-hating wench. (She is a child.)
2. Is this how we are teaching girls to be strong? By belittling others?
3. Is making a boy feel inadequate an entitlement women are embedding in their daughters?

I give the girls my most hardcore (albeit, contrived) look of confusion. "Did you just say that girls are 'better'?" My daughter's smile retreats into her own face immediately. She knows where this is going. She's seen this face.

Her friend answers me: "Wellll, (Smirking a bit, holding the word sarcastically.) It is kinda true....." 

She is "kinda" laughing while darting eyes between the three of us looking at her. My reaction comes from a deep-dwelling place. It is from a mother, a protector of my son (who is two) and against the kind of bitterness that feeds the facade I see women wear all around me.

"Let me let you guys in on something real simple to understand:" I say calmly. Holding their attention, the boy's face still in a frown and hurt.

"YOU, ( I point to my daughter) YOU (I point to the boy) YOU (to the girl) are ALL just as valuable as the other. Why? Because YOURE HUMAN FIRST. Not a boy or girl. What is it that makes you better? Either of you... I'm honestly curious?"

I ask. I am.

The standard answers come out: "Girls rule and are cool. Boys drool." and "Boys are gross."
From the boy, however, I hear: "Nuh-uh. Girls are mean." and "Girls are NOT nice."

I have a reality flash. I too, said and believed that boys were gross, or silly, or awkward. I also knew tons of boys that thought girls were strange, and prissy or mean, or not athletic or smart. It didn't ruin me. We eventually all started to see that actions speak louder than mean words. I knew girls WAY better than boys at sports, I saw girls in AP classes laugh at boys stumbling in algebra. Life and Darwinism did it's thing. I realized my issue here in my kitchen wasn't with that stuff. It was with a word: "Need."

I wanted to grab my handy soap-box, sit them down on the floor and begin a sermon about boys and girls and roles and life and strength and self belief. I didn't. They had already moved on, apologized and been forgiven and gotten back to being kids. I was about to misplace my anger, instead I decided to think on it.

I've thought about it: Fuck that noise!

Is this going to be the equivalent of the "Boomer-bomb" of the over-sensitive and "everybody wins" child-rearing that has left Millineals in a trench of stand-offs and impasse arguments with their superiors over the ribbon they deserve for SHOWING up on time, every day at work?

Are women who choose to take the "talking-points" about Feminism that suit them and grandstanding building little girls that believe they are intrinsically more necessary, have more utility and are more important than boys?

The word "need" is a concept far bigger than the standard gender wars even our great-grandparents had before the learned bigotry, or rules of society and roles as they were. The word need implies (to me) that this girl over-heard that idea. If so, is that ok? Do boys hear it to? 

I'm not blaming, I'm asking questions that I believe are worthy.

If some women bark about how men are NOT NEEDED and idiots, and little boys hear this, what and how are they shaping?

Will they grow to be misogynists to validate the point because they feel the leading women in their life don't value them because of gender, and speak of them as inferior? 

Will they have self-esteem issues and need constant consoling by our girls who, conversely are being taught that just by being born with a vagina they are superior? 

You see, those sentences piss you off. That's good. Why? Because they are not complete. They don't carry all the facts, they make huge assumptions about a thousand factors I'm not presenting. Strangely, it has the limp and lacking statement of "Girls are better, smarter and don't need you."

I'm not equipped nor interested in making huge sweeping statements about Feminism and Gender Bias. I haven't done all the due-diligence, debated both sides in my head, and I am not at all informed enough to take a public stance, or call myself anything other than a woman hearing little boys be told by girls that they are not needed,  that they are and dumb and unimportant.

I'm merely concerned that the women who are misunderstanding what a Feminist means are creating a few by-products that actually fall into the category of "Shaming." "Bullying" and "Gender Inequality." I don't think they are trying to do this, if they were, that's a much longer post.

My observations of the "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar" rah-rah rant is not quite qualified by some of the women I see in Middle-America suburbia. These are not bra-burning, gritty- fact dropping intellects or women with conviction for civil rights, vast knowledge of suffragettes, great literature and history about the women that fought tooth and nail to afford these very women her (I believe) natural right to work outside the home,vote, nurse in public, run for president...etc.

No, I see some imbalance. I am all for mothers who raise boys and girls aware of the issues and gender inequalities all over the place. I believe in explaining fairness, and perhaps re-training our youth how to EARN respect, how to WORK for something and fail, fail again, fail a lot and still push on without giving up.

I believe there is something so valuable in teaching our boys that girls ARE strong, valuable and have tons of traits that are superior to other....boys AND other girls. Just as all of us, born with the right to be who we are, be as smart as we aspire to be and develop the skills we have, regardless of gender.

Do not mistake my concern for something which is developing here as Anti-feminism. My concern is more about something both untrue and a bit disingenuous. I worry  that some mothers are more preoccupied with sounding strong, better and independent, than they are with nurturing the very kind of children (boys and girls)  who will live on respectfully.

I fear that women who spit ideas like "men are not needed" then call one up to fix the stopped-up toilet, or fight dirty to diminish and defeat their husbands, coworkers or some vaguely identified scope of "men" are very confusing. They aren't realizing the strange hypocrisy their children witness.

This group of parents are not teaching fairness, respect and love that will beget young men and women who are going to be OPEN, ACCEPTING and thereby way more capable of what the fundamental points of Feminism (as I understand it) are....fairness, respect, and to be treated equally.

I was raised by a man who said: "Never depend on a man... ever. You never know when he or his wallet will run out. Build your own empire." I get the sentiment. I respect it. I am strong, opinionated, annoyingly stubborn and independent.

BUT....I too,  am sensitive, enjoy being "feminine" and "girly" at times, and I have what could be considered human "weaknesses."

-I can't create sperm from my body.
-I know, without question, that I could provide for my family just as my husband does if someone else was handling  childcare and I worked the same amount of days that he does. Even he knows that.
-I get lost in a parking lot because I have no sense of direction.
-I'm terrible at math.
-My body bleeds every 4 weeks and I get super hormonally charged and can be unpredictable.
-I have, was born with, and love, my vagina.


-I feel blessed that I had the choice, and stayed home to raise my children, and will still be taken seriously as an ex-professional whose mind and functionality matter, even if I let a man be the "breadwinner."
-I love men (and women) that are strong, brave, ambitious and believe in themselves.

NONE of those things make me less valuable. Nor do they make me "such a woman." or "less needed" in society, right? They are just facts about me. They don't deeply hinder my specific capacity for contribution to the species of humanity. They don't solely define me.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm only a little right, maybe it's not about righteousness at all?

I ask you, as mothers and fathers, to look around.  Just be aware of the way you talk about the other gender.

Are you encouraging respect, understanding, and compassion? Are you encouraging your kids to listen to each other or to defend themselves? Are you teaching your girls to be brave, strong and independent? Your boys to do the same?

It's worth to consider at the very least. I believe we all matter. I believe we've made great strides in civil rights. My nine year old didn't know what Slavery was until I told her last year.

My daughters are living in a world (or at least a house) where bullying is not acceptable. My daughter reminded me to "watch what pronouns you use in that post so you don't exclude anyone who is gay." They are living in a nation where a black man is president and two women (so far) are running in 2016 to run the country. That's powerful. They don't  just see it, they see it as "normal."

It's also powerful to consider our children are LEARNING how to treat each other by being witness to how we speak, interact and engage with each other.

Just consider it.  I am. I think it's worth it.

Not all feminists hate men. Nor does one have to belittle, minimize or shame the other gender to require, deserve and believe in her right to equality. That's what I believe and will teach my kids......Both genders.