"Does this seem angry?" that's what I asked a couple friends at midnight over text a couple days ago. I laugh at myself often, and strangely in the moment of my overly dramatic emotions.
I can only describe my last weeks as a washing cycle of emotions and surprises and physical labor and disappointment and the ultimate reconciling of how alone one can truly feel.
I couldn't write, so I pulled out a canvas...and started to make a black hole because it felt like I was stuck in one....the image on the left is what happened, before my tears were so heavy and prolific that I had to stop.
I needed to hold tight for a bit and recognize myself in what was actually a qualified (by me) dramatic, sad, confusing, desolate reckoning of the pains of divorce, loneliness, lack of family, friends, overlooked betrayals, forced beginnings and endings and the ramifications of all of it in the quiet silent moments in between "keeping busy" and "moving forward" in spite of the undercurrent around me of disapproval and judgment.
Only the next day, did I realize it looked like an eyeball! There were red angel wings, or a sea urchin? Who knows...it's funny now, but I loved that there was still a little silver (teal) lining and lavender calm. I worked with that the next day to complete it. Process it all. And so I did. Just like that, emotions had passed by, and clarity NOT denial settled in. After a particularly sad meditation, I felt like looking up the number "11" in my Tao sayings book. So I did, and upon reading that page, I wrote the following in a few minutes, and rarely do I like writing in books, but It felt like a release.
It holds no opinion, asks not for answers.
It needs no validation, seeks no approval.
It has no envy for light,
It IS light because being the vast emptiness
It can become and is. Always.
There is a sacred darkness within me
That has all the light in the universe
And all the universe has it.
Unformed, unshaped, fertile and fluid
Energy to create something, anything and BE that.
Whilst still remaining where it is.
Everything, and everywhere in all, as all is with it."
So there's that.
As for today, on this gloomy, rainy, wind-blowing dark day, I'm burrowed in to beam out hope, love and understanding in my novel, in my freelance work, and some pretty exciting paintings I've been conceptualizing.
I guess the point is that anger is serving a purpose. Sometimes it is to show you a lesson, or teach you about perspective and accountability. When "Old man Pissed-off" brings you to tears next time....write it out, draw, dance, paint, sing...do something to get it out that does NOT effect or impact anyone else.
See what happens. Laugh if you make your own "sea urchin" variation of expression, then pick up your shattered pieces and make a mosaic piece of survival to wear on your life-suit. I did.
Love, love love, and scary paintings.
L
~~~~~~~~~
"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."
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